Fourth Step

Happy children, happy Mama. Yelling and anger cause stress, and stress is not healthy. Calm parents and obedient children make a welcoming and peaceful home. So, some general "rules"... #1 No unkind behavior from anyone (including parents) and #2 positive behavior= positive results, and negative behavior= negative results.

We take #1 quite seriously around these parts. There is no arguing, bickering, and complaining as with plenty of practice they just make for miserable people. This is a hard one for everyone, but so fufilling when we overcome our negative and "me first" attitudes. This is not a "me first" kinda world. "Me first" people have very few friends and are not well liked. Putting others first is always endearing and makes someone loveable, so why not start while we are young? There is no yelling around here, and this is one that Mama and Papa mess up sometimes. It is amazing to see how much my kids love and respect me after I come to them and admit I acted wrongly and ask for forgiveness. It is not always easy, but if I can't do it why would I expect them to?

#2 is a tricky one because it requires consistency and creativity. First for the negetive- The kids know if they whine, we are all done and we will go home. They know because we have done it several times. Or, the frowny person has to sit in the car with Papa while the other kids come in to the store and have a great old time, and that's no fun! We parents have been soooo hungry before and told Mr.Coo (the current constant offender) that if he didn't stop whining we would leave the resturant, and we did. We had to drive all the way home and cook before we could eat, but the next time we went to that resturant he knew we meant business and there was no whining! Ms.Goo had a dressing problem for a while, but she grew out of that fast. When she would get dressed there was always something that wasn't just the way she wanted it, and she would be miserable all day. So, the next time we got dressed I asked her to stop complaining about her tights or she would have to wear more. She ended up with four pairs of tights on that day, and man was that uncomfortable! She has also worn three sets of pjs to bed, and four sweaters out to run errands, and I think she was finally convinced. I do not allow it to persist long enough to get frustrated and yell, with the first offense it is a, "please stop whining or...." and then with the next whine I do it. I am not mad, it is just consequence. We go out and have a great time, and when she gets over it and stops whining, and truely forgets about it, I tell her to go take off the excess, or I sneak in and take it off at night while she is sleeping. If you are creative you can think of a solution to anything in this way. What are they whining/ throwing a fit about? Give them the opposite (and don't be angry about it!) and it should only take a couple times to convince them. It is most inconvient for you, but it is an investment in a peaceful house and a strife-free relationship with your precious kids. You are not molding there behaviors to suit youself, it is for their good so they can have as many successful relationships and good habits as possible when they are older.

Now for the positive- Notice and praise them, especially if it is an area they have been struggling in. If self-control is an issue, make sure you notice every instance of self- control and tell them what a great job they did. Tell your spouse when they come home, tell your friends when you see them. After all, they certainly are acting older and being such a help to you. The most frequent thing we use in our house is, "we are going in here, and I want you guys to have your store behavior, or inside behavior, whatever it is. When we leave we are going to have so much fun at home playing at the park, etc., so let's make sure we don't have to go home afterward instead." The most sucessful reward to date has been coupons. Whenever they go above and beyond, like cleaning before I ask them to or helping a sibling, they get a cooupon. Their favorite coupons are the stay up late with Mama and Papa coupons. Ms.Voo took care of all the laundry when I was sick one day, and she got a coupon to go on a special walk just her and I while Papa watches the other kids. Tonight she used her coupon to make an entire meal all by herself and we enjoyed pizza and fruit salad. We gear it toward their interests and I love to come up with really great rewards for putting others first. Let me know some of your great parenting ideas, and how you keep everyone happy and things running smoothly, I'd love to hear.